!UNIX QUOTES, TERMINAL:
Life is a game.  In order to have a game, something has to be more
important than something else.  If what already is, is more important
than what isn't, the game is over.  So, life is a game in which what
isn't, is more important than what is.  Let the good times roll.
		-- Werner Erhard


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


			Pittsburgh driver's test
9: Roads are salted in order to
	a) kill grass.
	b) melt snow.
	c) help the economy.
	d) prevent potholes.
The correct answer is c.
Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more
indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers.  Most important,
salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
steel industries.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
		-- Motto of the Federal Civil Service


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


>Ever heard of .cshrc?
That's a city in Bosnia.  Right?
	-- Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


	CONSERVE GRAVITY

Follow these simple suggestions:

(1)  Walk with a light step.  Carry helium balloons if possible.
(2)  Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
(3)  Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
     curling.
(4)  Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
(5)  Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
     pile.
(6)  Stop flipping pancakes




///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they
are sober.
		-- William Butler Yeats


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to
drink with -- even if he drank.
		-- Mencken


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
		-- Herbert Prochnow


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Q:	How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:	I'll have to get back to you on that.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
... it expects what never was and never will be.
		-- Thomas Jefferson


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


True leadership is the art of changing
a group from what it is to what it ought to be.
		-- Virginia Allan


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


You could live a better life, if you
had a better mind and a better body.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


QOTD:
	Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
	Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK...  S'great...

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
be appointed to do the work.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


You can create your own opportunities this week.
Blackmail a senior executive.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags.  Some Iraqi soldiers
carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
		-- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Teachers have class.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


When someone makes a move		We'll send them all we've got,
Of which we don't approve,		John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
Who is it that always intervenes?	Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
U.N. and O.A.S.,			To the shores of Tripoli,
They have their place, I guess,		But not to Mississippoli,
But first, send the Marines!		What do we do?  We send the Marines!


For might makes right,			Members of the corps
And till they've seen the light,	All hate the thought of war:
They've got to be protected,		They'd rather kill them off by
						peaceful means.
All their rights respected,		Stop calling it aggression--
Till somebody we like can be elected.	We hate that expression!
					We only want the world to know
					That we support the status quo;
					They love us everywhere we go,
					So when in doubt, send the Marines!
		-- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
		-- Gilb


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5


A:	The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
Q:	Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong.
		-- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


The church is near but the road is icy,
the bar is far away but I will walk carefully.
		-- Russian Proverb


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Chef, n.:
	Any cook who swears in French.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
		-- Lewis Carroll


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
		-- A. Schweitzer


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
Open it and you remove all doubt.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
A pessimist is a married optimist.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


		Answers to Last Fortunes' Questions:
1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
3) You don't know.  Neither does your boss.
4) Who cares?
5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3).  Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana,
   submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.  Unfortunately, I lost it.
6) I know the answer to this one, but I'm not telling!  Suffer!  Ha-ha-ha!!
7) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 10,953 of my
   book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom
   supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books).


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the
ocean level wouldn't cure.
		-- Ross MacDonald


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Love is being stupid together.
		-- Paul Valery


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Stuckness shouldn't be avoided.  It's the psychic predecessor of all
real understanding.  An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
		-- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
		-- Ursula K. LeGuin


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
		-- Paul Beatty


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


happiness, adv:
	Finding the owner of a lost bikini.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


There's no justice in this world.
		-- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by
		New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had
		saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering
		the assassination of Schultz instead)


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


	So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
flop up onto the land and evolve.  Richard and I were inching toward
it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
	Many people would have panicked at this point.  But Richard and
I were not "many people."  We were experienced waders, and we kept our
heads.  We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
our feet never once went below the surface of the water.  We ran all
the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
		-- Cervantes


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
my advice.
		-- Winston Churchill


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Even God cannot change the past.
		-- Joseph Stalin


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?  Surely not
for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have
simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
		-- P. J. O'Rourke


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
		-- Niccoli Machiavelli, "The Prince"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


You don't have to be nice to people on the way up
if you're not planning on coming back down.
		-- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


War is an equal opportunity destroyer.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Which is worse: ignorance or apathy?  Who knows?  Who cares?


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


You will feel hungry again in another hour.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
		-- Edward A. Murphy Jr.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


MAD:
	Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


When things go well, expect something to
explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
		-- Pliny the Elder


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Art is anything you can get away with.
		-- Marshall McLuhan.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
		-- Eric Hoffer


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Green light in A.M. for new projects.
Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


QOTD:
	"It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


If you can't be good, be careful.
If you can't be careful, give me a call.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:

Q:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A:  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Boob's Law:
You always find something in the last place you look.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:

Q:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A:  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Experience, n:
	Something you don't get until just after you need it.
		-- Olivier


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but
it is also very memorable.  I vividly recall the night we decided how to
organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360.  The
manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
	The architecture manager had 10 good men.  He asserted that they
could write the specifications and do it right.  It would take ten months,
three more than the schedule allowed.
	The control program manager had 150 men.  He asserted that they
could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
Futhermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
their thumbs for ten months.
	To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality.  I did, and
it was.  He was right on both counts.  Moreover, the lack of conceptual
integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
		-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Truth will be out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
call it the target.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.

It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


			Pittsburgh driver's test
2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
	a) stop immediately.
	b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
	c) blow the horn.
	d) floor it.
The correct answer is d.
If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up.  It knows it must run faster
than the fastest lion or it will be killed.  Every morning a lion wakes up.
It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
up, you'd better be running.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



	How many seconds are there in a year?  If I tell you there  are
3.155  x  10^7, you won't even try to remember it.  On the other hand, who
could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.
		-- Tom Duff, Bell Labs


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


WARNING!
	This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need!
A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the
user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program
to run.  The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional
to the desperation of the user.  Threatening the terminal with violence only
aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the
entire system to go down.  Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause
it to core dump.  (They all belong to the same LAN.)  Keep cool and say nice
things to the terminal.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


The kind of danger people most enjoy is
the kind they can watch from a safe place.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
		-- Oscar Hammerstein II


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


The two things that can get you into trouble
quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they
will take sandwiches.
		-- Lord Boyd-orr

Eats first, morals after.
		-- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


COMPUTER:
	An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
	totally understandable, rigorously logical manner.  If you believe
	this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.
		-- B. Baruch


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Interpreter, n.:
	One who enables two persons of different languages to
understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


hippogriff, n:
	An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
	The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half
	eagle.  The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
	eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.
	The study of zoology is full of surprises.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
		-- Ramsey Clark


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



People disagree with me.  I just ignore them.
	-- Linus Torvalds, regarding the use of C++ for the Linux kernel


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Q:  How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  One and a half.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


There are new messages.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates
lawyers more than he hates his wife.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,
happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.
		-- Paul Licker


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
		-- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
account be allowed to do the job.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
	-- Alfred Hitchcock


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


My God, I'm depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
mail about softball games.  And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens.  I think it
would be better for us both if you were to just log out again.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM

If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene?  We cannot continue
without your support.  Less than 14% of all fortune users are
contributors.  That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride.  We
can't go on like this much longer.  Federal cutbacks mean less money
for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
and 8 a.m.  Don't let this happen.  Mail your fortunes right now to
"fortune".  Just type in your favorite pithy saying.  Do it now before
you forget.  Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
Don't miss out.  All fortunes will be acknowledged.  If you contribute
30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide.  If you contribute 50 or
more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


mathematician, n:
	Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



Rick:		"How can you close me up?  On what grounds?"
Renault:	"I'm shocked!  Shocked!  To find that gambling is
			going on here."
Croupier (handing money to Renault):
		"Your winnings, sir."
Renault:	"Oh.  Thank you very much."
		-- Casablanca


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


You will become rich and famous unless you don't.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



What did you do when the ship sank?
I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


It's better to have loved and lost -- much better.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Q:	What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
A:	An offer you can't understand.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




Why I Can't Go Out With You:

I'd LOVE to, but...
	-- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
	-- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
	-- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
	-- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
	-- I have to fulfill my potential.
	-- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
	-- It's too close to the turn of the century.
	-- I have to bleach my hare.
	-- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
	-- I left my body in my other clothes.




///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Gravity brings me down.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Acid -- better living through chemistry.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


"If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive."
		-- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
		   criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
		   crimes.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
become a monster.  And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also
looks into you.
		-- Nietzsche


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Once I finally figured out all of life's
answers, they changed the questions.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Q:	What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
A:	Not enough sand.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Sure there are dishonest men in local government.  But there are
dishonest men in national government too.
		-- Richard Nixon


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
socialism, because socialism is defunct.  It dies all by itself.  The bad
thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?
		-- Fidel Castro


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


no maintenance:
	Impossible to fix.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Happiness is the greatest good.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep,
but at least you only have to climb it once.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


You might have had mail.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


	"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
	"Diet."


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
		-- H. H. Munroe, "Saki"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


A conservative is a man
with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
		-- Franklin D. Roosevelt


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


I dread success.  To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on
earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has
succeeded in his courtship.  I like a state of continual becoming, with a
goal in front and not behind.
		-- George Bernard Shaw


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


IN BOX:
	A catch basin for everything you don't want
	to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish.  It changes
into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky.  When this bird
moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. This
message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull making
its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with the blue
sky at its back, returns home.

The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands it not.
The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears its message.
The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he does not know
	that the bird has come and gone.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
		-- Clarence Day


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
		-- Dave Millman


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen.  He was amazed to find that
over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
let it spill out).  The American said with a nervous laugh,
	"Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
do you, Professor Bohr?  After all, as a scientist --"
Bohr chuckled.
	"I believe no such thing, my good friend.  Not at all.  I am
scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense.  However, I am told
that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):


Horses have an even number of legs.  Behind they have two legs, and in
front they have fore-legs.  This makes six legs, which is certainly an
odd number of legs for a horse.  But the only number that is both even
and odd is infinity.  Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
legs.  Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
there is a horse that has a finite number of legs.  But that is a horse
of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
color"], that does not exist.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



Pascal is not a high-level language.
		-- Steven Feiner


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


There is more to life than increasing its speed.
		-- Mohandis K. Gandhi


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.
		-- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



		Answers to Last Fortunes' Questions:
1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
3) You don't know.  Neither does your boss.
4) Who cares?
5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3).  Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana,
   submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.  Unfortunately, I lost it.
6) I know the answer to this one, but I'm not telling!  Suffer!  Ha-ha-ha!!
7) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 10,953 of my
   book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom
   supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books).


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


The best prophet of the future is the past.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Let us go then you and I
while the night is laid out against the sky
like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.

"Nice poem Tom.  I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?"
	-- Ezra


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


"It's easier said than done."

... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
done".


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



Warning: Trespassers will be shot.
Survivors will be shot again.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
And a Sun Myung Moon!
		-- Maxwell Smart


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Yeah, there are more important things in life than money,
but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Fun Facts, #63:
	The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.
	It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the
	Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in
	1510.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



Let your conscience be your guide.
		-- Pope


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.
Others are so fast, they don't notice you.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid,
He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
actually have a shot at it.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


A bore is someone who persists in holding his
own views after we have enlightened him with ours.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
		-- Mark Twain


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Sodd's Second Law:
	Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
bound to occur.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
		-- Wheeler


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
	Push something hard enough and it will fall over.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
then at least be aseptic.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man
contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Real programmers don't draw flowcharts.  Flowcharts are, after all, the
illiterate's form of documentation.  Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much
good it did them.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
		-- George S. Kaufman


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


If you drink, don't park.  Accidents make people.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



I/O, I/O,
It's off to disk I go,
A bit or byte to read or write,
I/O, I/O, I/O


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
		-- Groucho Marx


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of
stairs.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in
restraint.
		-- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus".


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
They were just some of my tropical fish.

Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
Now I have many less tropical fish.

	If you think that
	Fish are peaceful
	That's an empty wish.
	Just dump them together
	And leave them alone,
	And soon you will have -- no fish.
		-- To My Favorite Things



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
try to be a fraud and a half.
		-- Otto von Bismark


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week
against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat
Russian, get off my Ford Escort."
		-- Dennis Miller


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


10. Not everybody looks good naked.
 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
 7. Fringe!  Fringe!  Fringe!
 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
 3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
 1. We are stardust.  We are golden.  We are going to look really stupid to
	future generations.
		-- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and 
Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.
		-- Thomas De Quincey


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
you about yourself.
		-- Lisa Kirk


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a
custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the
contrary, nohow.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
		-- H.L. Mencken


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Most people need some of their problems
to help take their mind off some of the others.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


	"What the hell are you getting so upset about?  I thought you
didn't believe in God".
	"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God.  He's
not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be".
		-- Joseph Heller


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Teachers have class.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
		-- Steven Pearl


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
sometimes three.
		-- Alexandre Dumas


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


	Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of
the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance
of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease.
	Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow
old only by deserting their ideals.  Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up
enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.  Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair
-- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit
back to dust.
	Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love
of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and
thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite
for what next, and the joy and the game of life.
	You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your
self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your
despair.
	So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage,
grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long
you are young.
		-- Samuel Ullman




///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
the worst cigars.
		-- H. L. Mencken



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


The man who understands one woman is
qualified to understand pretty well everything.
		-- Yeats



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western
	Civilization?
Gandhi:	I think it would be a good idea.




///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Oh don't the days seem lank and long
	When all goes right and none goes wrong,
And isn't your life extremely flat
	With nothing whatever to grumble at!



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


You humans are all alike.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
		-- Maurice Baring



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Boob's Law:
	You always find something in the last place you look.




///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Some people have a great ambition: to build something
that will last, at least until they've finished building it.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
		-- Grant Wood



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


This universe shipped by weight, not by volume.  Some expansion of the
contents may have occurred during shipment.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


CORRUPT:
	In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Cleveland?
Yes, I spent a week there one day.




///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Life is like an analogy.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


If you could only get that wonderful feeling of
accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
		-- Weisert



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set foot.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
Proof:
	No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
	Therefore, a cat has nine tails.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
		-- The Beach Boys



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


The human animal differs from the lesser
primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".
		-- H. Allen Smith



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
	Machines that piss people off get murdered.
		-- Pat Taber



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Seriously, the way I did this was by using a special /sbin/loader binary
with debugging hooks that I made ("dd" is your friend: binary editors
are for wimps).
	-- Linus Torvalds, in an article on a dnserver



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


poisoned coffee, n:
	Grounds for divorce.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Boston:
	Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports
	fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
when they aren't.

	When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.
	When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.
	When a politician scratches his colar bone, he isn't lying.
	When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the
thing," it's the money.
		-- Kim Hubbard



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
		-- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Not all who own a harp are harpers.
		-- Marcus Terentius Varro



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


So live that you wouldn't be ashamed
to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


...Unix, MS-DOS, and Windows NT (also known as the Good, the Bad, and
the Ugly).
	-- Matt Welsh



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


QUESTION AUTHORITY.

(Sez who?)



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
CONSULTANT:
	An ordinary man a long way from home.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


I still maintain the point that designing a monolithic kernel in 1991 is a
fundamental error.  Be thankful you are not my student.  You would not get a
high grade for such a design :-)
	-- Andrew Tanenbaum to Linus Torvalds



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
		-- Hubert Kirrman



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




	12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4)                  2
	----------------------  +  5(11)  =  9  +  0
		  7

A dozen, a gross and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
	Divided by seven,
	Plus five times eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew,
and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
		-- W.C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




"You've got to think about tomorrow!"

"TOMORROW!  I haven't even prepared for *yesterday* yet!"



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




panic: can't find /



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
		-- Alexander Pope



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




Furbling, v.:
	Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
even when you are the only person in line.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




To our sweethearts and wives.  May they never meet.
		-- 19th century toast



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




Quick!!  Act as if nothing has happened!



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.
		-- Judge Harold T. Stone



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




Life is not for everyone.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
Constitution.  It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's
statecraft.  Instead, read selected portions of the Washington
telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with
titles beginning with the word "National".
		-- George Will



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




There are in this country two very large monopolies.  The larger of the
two has the following record:  The Vietnam War, Watergate, double-digit
inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent
postcard.  The second is responsible for such things as the transistor,
the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording,
sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape,
magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV
relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer,
and the first communications satellite.  Guess which one is going to tell
the other how to run the telephone business?  I can hardly wait for the
results.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




			Chapter 1

The story so far:

	In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot
of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good
attitude.  If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to
playing the game right.  If it plays the game right, it will win --
unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager
can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
		-- Sparky Anderson



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




To be or not to be.
		-- Shakespeare
To do is to be.
		-- Nietzsche
To be is to do.
		-- Sartre
Do be do be do.
		-- Sinatra



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life 
is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
		-- David Nichols



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




Put no trust in cryptic comments.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




Not every question deserves an answer.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




In /users3 did Kubla Kahn
A stately pleasure dome decree,
Where /bin, the sacred river ran
Through Test Suites measureless to Man
Down to a sunless C.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




INNOVATE:
	Annoy people.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




Hacker's Law:
	The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
		-- Motto of the Federal Civil Service



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.  If they didn't have bugs,
then they'd be algorithms.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




You will gain money by an illegal action.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to
see it tried on him personally.
		-- A. Lincoln



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




The little town that time forgot,
Where all the women are strong,
The men are good-looking,
And the children above-average.
		-- Prairie Home Companion




///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


I mean, well, if it were not for Linux I might be roaming the streets looking
for drugs or prostitutes or something.  Hannu and Linus have my highest
admiration (apple polishing mode off).
	-- Phil Lewis, plewis@nyx.nyx.net


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Q:	What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
A:	Hot cross bunnies!


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


All men are mortal.  Socrates was mortal.  Therefore, all men are
Socrates.
		-- Woody Allen


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Conversation, n.:
	A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
is called the listener.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Bilbo's First Law:
	You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Misfortune, n.:
	The kind of fortune that never misses.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
		-- W. C. Fields


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


As I was passing Project MAC,
I met a Quux with seven hacks.
Every hack had seven bugs;
Every bug had seven manifestations;
Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
How many losses at Project MAC?
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


X windows:
	Something you can be ashamed of.
	30%% more entropy than the leading window system.
	The first fully modular software disaster.
	Rome was destroyed in a day.
	Warn your friends about it.
	Climbing to new depths.  Sinking to new heights.
	An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
	Don't wait for the movie.
	Never use it after a big meal.
	Need we say less?
	Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
	It'll make your day.
	Don't get frustrated without it.
	Power tools for power losers.
	A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
	Never had it.  Never will.
	The software with no visible means of support.
	More than just a generation behind.

Hindenburg.  Titanic.  Edsel.
	X windows.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


It's clever, but is it art?


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Everything you know is wrong!


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands,
meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


The Great Movie Posters:

POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
		-- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)

She Sins in Mobile --
Marries in Houston --
Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
Leaves Her Husband in Tuscon --
MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
FIRST -- HARLOW!
THEN -- MONROE!
NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
		-- The Rotton Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan

*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN! 
A Horrifying Movie of Wierd Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
1001 WIERDEST SCENES EVER!!  MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
		-- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964)  (Alternate Title:
		   The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
		   Became Mixed Up Zombies)


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Oh give me your pity!
I'm on a committee,			We attend and amend
Which means that from morning		And contend and defend
	to night,			Without a conclusion in sight.

We confer and concur,
We defer and demur,			We revise the agenda
And reiterate all of our thoughts.	With frequent addenda
					And consider a load of reports.

We compose and propose,
We suppose and oppose,			But though various notions
And the points of procedure are fun;	Are brought up as motions,
					There's terribly little gets done.

We resolve and absolve;
But we never dissolve,
Since it's out of the question for us
To bring our committee
To end like this ditty,
Which stops with a period, thus.
		-- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Documentation is the castor oil of programming.  Managers know it must
be good because the programmers hate it so much.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


For perfect happiness, remember two things:
	(1) Be content with what you've got.
	(2) Be sure you've got plenty.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Half Moon tonight.  (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Serfs up!
		-- Spartacus


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


	There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
warlord Wu.  The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
an accounting package or an operating system?"
	"An operating system," replied the programmer.
	The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
system," he said.
	"Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
tax laws.  By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward
appearances.  When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
simplest harmony between machine and ideas.  This is why an operating system
is easier to design."
	The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well,"
he said, "but which is easier to debug?"
	The programmer made no reply.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
		-- Groucho Marx


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Make it right before you make it faster.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


This fortune intentionally not included.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Optimization hinders evolution.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place
in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling
of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.
		-- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


So many beautiful women and so little time.
		-- John Barrymore


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
		-- Lt. Col. Ollie North


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle,
I sometimes forget which side I'm on.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui.
O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
U is for Una  who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
		-- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
	Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
	to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
	unfortunately you won't be one of them.  Consider not getting out
	of bed today.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


No one knows what he can do till he tries.
		-- Publilius Syrus


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence.
		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies,
scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.
		-- Parkinson


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Your program is sick!  Shoot it and put it out of its memory.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"

In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
		-- Oscar Wilde


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D.  He was a
pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city
until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is
ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
because it is absurd).  This does not altogether accord with historical
fact, for he merely said:

	"And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because
	it is absurd.  And buried he rose again, which is certain
	because it is impossible."

Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
		-- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types

(Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
	-- John Naisbitt, Megatrends


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
		-- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


We should start referring to processes which run in the background by their 
correct technical name... paenguins.
	-- Kevin M. Bealer, commenting on the penguin Linux logo


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Many are called, few are chosen.
Fewer still get to do the choosing.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


The sum of the Universe is zero.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
		-- Thomas Ybarra


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


African violet:		Such worth is rare
Apple blossom:		Preference
Bachelor's button:	Celibacy
Bay leaf:		I change but in death
Camelia:		Reflected loveliness
Chrysanthemum, red:	I love
Chrysanthemum, white:	Truth
Chrysanthemum, other:	Slighted love
Clover:			Be mine
Crocus:			Abuse not
Daffodil:		Innocence
Forget-me-not:		True love
Fuchsia:		Fast
Gardenia:		Secret, untold love
Honeysuckle:		Bonds of love
Ivy:			Friendship, fidelity, marriage
Jasmine:		Amiablity, transports of joy, sensuality
Leaves (dead):		Melancholy
Lilac:			Youthful innocence
Lilly:			Purity, sweetness
Lilly of the valley:	Return of happiness
Magnolia:		Dignity, perseverance
	* An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
very thin paper.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


You love your home and want it to be beautiful.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Two wrongs are only the beginning.
		-- Kohn


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:

News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:

	Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
	Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
	Keywords: C sources
	Distribution: na

	I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
	sources newsgroup.  I save the files, edit them to remove the
	headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
	cannot get them to run.  (I have never written a C program before.)

	Must they be compiled?  With what compiler?  How do I do this?  If
	I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
	it explicitly with the > character?  Is there something else that
	must be done?


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


The horror... the horror!


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Who's on first?


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Hell, if you don't try to remake someone,
how are they supposed to know you care?


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Look at it this way:
Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.
And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


	"What are you watching?"
	"I don't know."
	"Well, what's happening?"
	"I'm not sure...  I think the guy in the hat did something
terrible."
	"Why are you watching it?"
	"You're so analytical.  Sometimes you just have to let art
flow over you."
		-- The Big Chill


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Swap read error.  You lose your mind.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Q:	What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A:	A stick.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
to the nearest gas station.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
		   Teen Should Know"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Forty isn't old, if you're a tree.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Life is an exciting business, and most
exciting when it is lived for others.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


QOTD:
	"Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,
	I go to work."


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy
have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
                -- Martin Luther


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth?  Judging from realistic simulations
involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
be pretty bad.
		-- Dave Barry


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they
would.  The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect
that much.
		-- Augustine


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
measurement of the speed of blight.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
		-- Ashley Cooper


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


	   THE DAILY PLANET

	SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
	Plans to "Eat it later"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
		-- Calvin Coolidge


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads
On today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain.  And futures have
A way of falling down in midflight,
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn
With every goodbye you learn.
		-- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Neutrinos have bad breadth.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
		-- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center.  When a
programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up.  That
behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
never when standing.

Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing?  Good debuggers, though,
know that there has to be a reason.  Electrical theories are the easiest to
hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static
electricity?  But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
the tops of two keys were switched.  When the programmer was seated he was a
touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
astray by hunting and pecking.
	-- from the Programming Pearls column,
	   by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Larkinson's Law:
	All laws are basically false.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Let's do it.
		-- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
		-- Thomas Szasz


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


	Excellence is THE trend of the '80s.  Walk into any shopping
mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
to the future.  Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
		-- Yoda


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
somewhere.  A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
ratchet screwdrivers as fruit.  The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
quite interesting.  Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
lie undisturbed for years.  Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
for a screw.  This, when found, will get thrown away.  No one knows what the
screwdriver is supposed to gain from this.  Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
is presumably working on it.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
	Some do, some don't.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Finagle's Second Law:
	No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it
happened according to his own pet theory.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


	Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void.  Waiting
alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion.  It is
the source of all programs.  I do not know its name, so I will call it the
Tao of Programming.
	If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great.  If the
operating system is great, then the compiler is great.  If the compiler is
greater, then the applications is great.  The user is pleased and there is
harmony in the world.
	The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of
morning.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of
Cruelty to Yourself.  Apply within.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
of both parties tactfully interferes.
		-- G.K. Chesterton


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet,
and stupid.
		-- Adolf Hitler


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
		-- John Sinclair


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
      entrances; others cannot.
	This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
	it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
	trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
	space.  The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
	follow into the painting.  This is ultimately a problem of art, not
	of science.
VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
	Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
	might comfortably afford.  They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
	accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
	destroyed.  After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
	elongate, snap back, or solidify.
  IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
	This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
	the physical world at large.  For that reason, we need the relief of
	watching it happen to a duck instead.
   X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
	Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
		-- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
	Ice Cream cures all ills.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies.  When you
get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay?  I was hitch-hiking."
		-- David Letterman


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Do unto others before they undo you.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Sometimes, too long is too long.
		-- Joe Crowe


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ...


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
The race is not always to the swift, nor the
battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
		-- Damon Runyon


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
		-- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
Did gyre and gimble in their cave
All mimsy was the CS-VAX
And Cory raths outgrave.

"Beware the software rot, my son!
The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
Beware the broken pipe, and shun
The frumious system crash!"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
		-- Merrick Furst


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Q:  Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A:  One per person.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
you wore home from the party and there aren't any.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to
get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
		-- Casablanca


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


I know if you been talkin' you done said
just how surprised you wuz by the living dead.
You wuz surprised that they could understand you words
and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
But don't you get square!
There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the
originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has
forgotten its source.
		-- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Fakir, n:
	A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
	religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
	seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


We may not return the affection of those who like us,
but we always respect their good judgement.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
        The first bug to hit a clean windshield
        lands directly in front of your eyes.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
                -- J.R.R. Tolkien


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


I can resist anything but temptation.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


She sells cshs by the cshore.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
		-- Sir Francis Bacon


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
		-- Aesop


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


"My country right or wrong" is like saying, "My mother drunk or
sober."
		-- G.K. Chesterton


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they 
remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
		-- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


I can relate to that.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


A hypothetical paradox:
	What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team,
who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial
Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
		-- Tom Galloway


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Advancement in position.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
but I can't prove it.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying
"BOOGA, BOOGA!"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



			_-^--^=-_
		   _.-^^          -~_
		_--                  --_
	       <                        >)
	       |                         |
		\._                   _./
		   ```--. . , ; .--'''
			 | |   |
		      .-=||  | |=-.
		      `-=#$%&%$#=-'
			 | ;  :|
		_____.,-#%&$@%#&#~,._____




///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




Year  Name				James Bond	Book
----  --------------------------------	--------------	----
50's  James Bond TV Series		Barry Nelson
1962  Dr. No				Sean Connery	1958
1963  From Russia With Love		Sean Connery	1957
1964  Goldfinger			Sean Connery	1959
1965  Thunderball			Sean Connery	1961
1967* Casino Royale			David Niven	1954
1967  You Only Live Twice		Sean Connery	1964
1969  On Her Majesty's Secret Service	George Lazenby	1963
1971  Diamonds Are Forever		Sean Connery	1956
1973  Live And Let Die			Roger Moore	1955
1974  The Man With The Golden Gun	Roger Moore	1965
1977  The Spy Who Loved Me		Roger Moore	1962 (novelette)
1979  Moonraker				Roger Moore	1955
1981  For Your Eyes Only		Roger Moore	1960 (novelette)
1983  Octopussy				Roger Moore	1965
1983* Never Say Never Again		Sean Connery
1985  A View To A Kill			Roger Moore	1960 (novelette)
1987  The Living Daylights		Timothy Dalton	1965 (novelette)
	* -- Not a Broccoli production.

	



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


"Yow!  Is this sexual intercourse yet?  Is it, huh, is it?"
		-- Zippy the Pinhead


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


This must be morning.  I never could get the hang of mornings.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
		-- Motto of the Federal Civil Service


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next
time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV
to plug her latest book.  And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for
eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself
the following questions:

(1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a
    food?
(2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
    exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
(3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as
    prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with
    double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai?  (Remember, living
    right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like
    longer.)

That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman.  After school we'd
all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
	-- Jack Handey


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
		-- Michael Winner, British film director


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


In the land of the dark the Ship of the
Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
		-- Egyptian Book of the Dead


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


I am a bookaholic.  If you are a decent
person, you will not sell me another book.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Build a system that even a fool can use
and only a fool will want to use it.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have
to sleep every few days.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Moebius always does it on the same side.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
		-- Kronecker


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


The Killer Ducks are coming!!!


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
substances being in widespread use.  Back then, there were no
restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
nerve disease.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Snake"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
		-- Trotsky


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Q:	How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
	with brightly colored machine tools.

	[Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur.  Ed.]


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?  Or what's
worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////






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